Some of My Favorite Quotes

These are some of my favorite quotest or sayings! For those of you who don't want to read the whole list, at least look at the last one!

• I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
• Always forgive you enemies-nothing annoys them so much
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking
• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone sees it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
• What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? (haha, Sariah, remember that?)
• A good friend would bail you out of jail, a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, "dude, that was freakin' awesome!"
• Life was so much easier when my clothes didn't match and boys had cooties.
• Why do people say "no offence" if they're about to offend someone?
• Everyone is entitled to be stupid-you're just abusing the privilege.
• The man that smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
• What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Everyone wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die
• When you are courting (a.k.a. dating) a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
• Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to
• I'm not quiet, I'm plotting
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• I do whatever my ricecrispies tell me to do
• I'm going to live life or die trying
• They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?
• Consciousness-that annoying time between naps.

And...the best for last!

• Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMGSH! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!