I got my mid-term report card today. I was mad to see that I have a "U" in Honors English. Mrs. Shinn said that almost the whole class got a "U" except for a few good people. I really thought I'd be one of those good people. I"m not a bad student; there's been a couple of classes where I've had trouble being quiet and good, but I'm good in Honors English and I want her to tell me what I did that made me deserve a "U". I'm so sick of having other people spoil stuff for me. Like in elementary school, I'd always be punished just because most of the class were bad. I'm sick of it, it's not fair. I don't deserve that "U" at all and I'm going to talk to her about it.
I also got back both of my math tests today. I failed one test and got a C- on the second one. On one I wrote on the scratch paper "I hate math" and the teacher wrote this next to it "Then why are you in an honors math class? It isn't a required class." I know that but I can't go back to geometry. I was good at geometry and got good grades in that class so it's completely pointless to go back to a class and re-learn a bunch of stuff that isn't going to help me with Algebra 2. My Mom wouldn't let me anyway. She expects me to have straight A's and be the perfect student just because she was. I hate to let her down, but I can't do it.
I thought I was really smart in elementary school. Well I was, I was one of the smartest in my class every year and I always got straight A's. Then my Mom and I both realized that my school is behind grade level. She home schooled me for half of fifth grade to get me caught up. I went to a charter school for a month in sixth grade, and then I moved here to Farmington. My sixth grade teacher was a weird hippie who was a terrible teacher and never gave us homework and gave us really easy and stupid assignments. I rarely had homework. It's no wonder I was overwhelmed in junior high when I suddenly had a bunch of homework thrown at me when I barely had any homework before in any of my classes in elementary school. I tried really hard but didn't get straight A's for the first time in my life which was really upsetting to me. I kept on trying, but by second semester I stopped caring. I was only a sevvy and I couldn't get my grades up so I just didn't try as hard. I got a D in science which really irked Mom. By the end of the year, I had a C+ in math and didn't get higher than a B in math all year.
The next year went better. I did a lot better in math. At least my grades told me so. Usually at the beginning of a unit, I didn't have a clue what was going on and I usually missed a lot of problems on my assignments but I got A's in math because he only graded on if you did your homework or not. By the end of the unit before the test, I usually found out how to do stuff and got 80-93% on each test. I still found it frustrating because I'd never gotten 100% on a test and I had always hoped I would and tried so hard because it was sad to see these people who didn't even have to try as hard because they were born geniuses and they would get 100% every time. I did well in science though and got 100% on a lot of my tests, at least I did first semester. I did okay with grades all year but never got a 4.0 which is still annoying.
Now, I keep on giving up. Geography is hard because Mr. Simons gives really hard tests and I'm not good at studying for them. I usually understand math, but by the next day I forget how to do everything again. And then by the time the test comes, I forget everything. I think my brain is slowly dying. I find school really hard now, and now I find myself thinking "What's the point? I'm not going to get into BYU anyway and I'm not smart enough to get into the animation program." On tests, if I don't understand a problem I have to force myself to keep trying and usually fail at trying and just quit and think "what's the point?"
This is the worst year to get like this since my grades actually mean something, but now I can't think and the only thing I'm good at is English, Chinese, and day-dreaming during seminary. It's so frustrating, and I've even lost my motivation to do homework. I'll do a little bit if it isn't hard, but otherwise I just quickly do it and if I don't instantly get how to do it, I put it away and say "oh well, I don't care."
I wish I was in elementary school again when my teachers would be impressed because I was the only student who got the math problem right, I got 100% on every test and was very depressed if I got anything lower, I would write a 10 page story when everyone else wrote a 1 page story, and I would shake my head at the other kids and wonder how they can possibly not get how to do math or read right. It was annoying how the other kids would get so far behind and not be able to understand how to do their homework while I was finishing it quickly and then doing more problems just for fun and to impress my teachers. I wish I could be more like my best cousin Amanda. She's a great singer, is always telling me how much fun she has hanging out with her friends a lot, she's in Rhapsody, and gets to go out to dinner with her parents every term because she always gets a 4.0. I wasn't good enough to be a madrigal, I don't usually hang out with friends because no one really calls me except for people in the ward for night games or a sleepover with Sariah, and I haven't had a 4.0 since before I moved here. School sucks, and I can't seem to find a way to be happy other than listening to my favorite books on my ipod and blocking everything else out.
I feel like I'm just failing and I'm disappointing my parents who are always trying to convince me that I am smart when I'm really not. My mom is smart, she's got her master in accounting, she always got straight A's, and she went to beauty school. My dad is a wiz with computers and always works so hard to support our family and does amazing at any job he gets. I usually wonder what happened to me. What went wrong when I was born to have such smart parents and then to not do well and fail four tests in a row in the past month? It isn't fair, I want to go back to when I was in kindergarten and making up my own homework since I never got any and I still thought it was fun. Back when I was still good at school and convinced that I was going to get a scholarship.
I also got back both of my math tests today. I failed one test and got a C- on the second one. On one I wrote on the scratch paper "I hate math" and the teacher wrote this next to it "Then why are you in an honors math class? It isn't a required class." I know that but I can't go back to geometry. I was good at geometry and got good grades in that class so it's completely pointless to go back to a class and re-learn a bunch of stuff that isn't going to help me with Algebra 2. My Mom wouldn't let me anyway. She expects me to have straight A's and be the perfect student just because she was. I hate to let her down, but I can't do it.
I thought I was really smart in elementary school. Well I was, I was one of the smartest in my class every year and I always got straight A's. Then my Mom and I both realized that my school is behind grade level. She home schooled me for half of fifth grade to get me caught up. I went to a charter school for a month in sixth grade, and then I moved here to Farmington. My sixth grade teacher was a weird hippie who was a terrible teacher and never gave us homework and gave us really easy and stupid assignments. I rarely had homework. It's no wonder I was overwhelmed in junior high when I suddenly had a bunch of homework thrown at me when I barely had any homework before in any of my classes in elementary school. I tried really hard but didn't get straight A's for the first time in my life which was really upsetting to me. I kept on trying, but by second semester I stopped caring. I was only a sevvy and I couldn't get my grades up so I just didn't try as hard. I got a D in science which really irked Mom. By the end of the year, I had a C+ in math and didn't get higher than a B in math all year.
The next year went better. I did a lot better in math. At least my grades told me so. Usually at the beginning of a unit, I didn't have a clue what was going on and I usually missed a lot of problems on my assignments but I got A's in math because he only graded on if you did your homework or not. By the end of the unit before the test, I usually found out how to do stuff and got 80-93% on each test. I still found it frustrating because I'd never gotten 100% on a test and I had always hoped I would and tried so hard because it was sad to see these people who didn't even have to try as hard because they were born geniuses and they would get 100% every time. I did well in science though and got 100% on a lot of my tests, at least I did first semester. I did okay with grades all year but never got a 4.0 which is still annoying.
Now, I keep on giving up. Geography is hard because Mr. Simons gives really hard tests and I'm not good at studying for them. I usually understand math, but by the next day I forget how to do everything again. And then by the time the test comes, I forget everything. I think my brain is slowly dying. I find school really hard now, and now I find myself thinking "What's the point? I'm not going to get into BYU anyway and I'm not smart enough to get into the animation program." On tests, if I don't understand a problem I have to force myself to keep trying and usually fail at trying and just quit and think "what's the point?"
This is the worst year to get like this since my grades actually mean something, but now I can't think and the only thing I'm good at is English, Chinese, and day-dreaming during seminary. It's so frustrating, and I've even lost my motivation to do homework. I'll do a little bit if it isn't hard, but otherwise I just quickly do it and if I don't instantly get how to do it, I put it away and say "oh well, I don't care."
I wish I was in elementary school again when my teachers would be impressed because I was the only student who got the math problem right, I got 100% on every test and was very depressed if I got anything lower, I would write a 10 page story when everyone else wrote a 1 page story, and I would shake my head at the other kids and wonder how they can possibly not get how to do math or read right. It was annoying how the other kids would get so far behind and not be able to understand how to do their homework while I was finishing it quickly and then doing more problems just for fun and to impress my teachers. I wish I could be more like my best cousin Amanda. She's a great singer, is always telling me how much fun she has hanging out with her friends a lot, she's in Rhapsody, and gets to go out to dinner with her parents every term because she always gets a 4.0. I wasn't good enough to be a madrigal, I don't usually hang out with friends because no one really calls me except for people in the ward for night games or a sleepover with Sariah, and I haven't had a 4.0 since before I moved here. School sucks, and I can't seem to find a way to be happy other than listening to my favorite books on my ipod and blocking everything else out.
I feel like I'm just failing and I'm disappointing my parents who are always trying to convince me that I am smart when I'm really not. My mom is smart, she's got her master in accounting, she always got straight A's, and she went to beauty school. My dad is a wiz with computers and always works so hard to support our family and does amazing at any job he gets. I usually wonder what happened to me. What went wrong when I was born to have such smart parents and then to not do well and fail four tests in a row in the past month? It isn't fair, I want to go back to when I was in kindergarten and making up my own homework since I never got any and I still thought it was fun. Back when I was still good at school and convinced that I was going to get a scholarship.
4 comments:
Hey, first of all, Mr. Free doesn't know how to teach 2 + 2 so don't blame yourself about that. Also, I think Simons is psycho (though I've never personally had him). And you WILL get into college, and will probably get a scholarship! We all go through tough times, and I know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough. Some people may be good at taking tests or have a talent at retaining information, but that doesn't mean they're not struggling with something else. You are a beautiful, wonderful, funny girl and you are great at SO many things! Just don't give up.... you can do it! I believe in you :)
I'm sorry that you are having a tough time at school! Remember that it's not all or nothing--if you don't get A's it's not worth trying--if you don't get into BYU than your future is ruined--etc. There are lots of paths to get what you want, and if you work hard/try your best, you'll get there. For example, you can transfer to BYU as a sophomore or junior for the animation program, or you can find another good school with a similar program.
Most importantly, you're smart and motivated--don't sell yourself short!
Celeste, you're one of the most amazing people I know. Don't worry about this stuff! Simons' tests are impossible, but it's no reason to stop trying! You're awesome! I know you can do it. Please, please, PLEASE don't give up!
Hey Celeste! Trust me, it is not just you. Lately I keep thinking that school sucks and it isn't worth it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get like a B in AL, I really doubt that I'll get an A in Algebra 2, and I don't even know if I'll get one in Spanish because I'm always so busy with Math homework on A days. I am so sorry that your teacher gave you a U! Talk to her and see if you can work it off or something! But a few bad grades in 9th grade can't completely mess up your grades. If you keep trying, you can still go to BYU if you do good enough in high school! Lately I keep being the same way in homework, though I'm trying to do better. Lately I do everything the day it's due or turn it in late. Just keep trying! I will too! You are my favorite cousin ever and I love you SO MUCH! I believe in you, and I always will!
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